There are conversations married couples have.
Money. Kids. Work. What’s for dinner.
Apparently, there are also cucumber conversations.
Greg discovered this when his neighbor Marie appeared at the front door carrying two containers filled with cucumbers from her garden. She was there to see Keely because, as Marie explained, the two of them had previously discussed the cucumbers.
Greg knew nothing about this.
Which seemed to concern Marie.
Suddenly, what should have been a simple vegetable delivery began to feel like evidence of a communication breakdown in Greg’s marriage.
If you don’t know why your wife is expecting cucumbers, are you even really married?
That’s about where Season 4, Episode 94 of Welcome to the Suburbs begins.
And things don’t become more normal from there.
Five Months Is a Perfectly Reasonable Response Time
Andy takes us back to March and a Heart concert at the Fishers Event Center.
While trying to arrange parking through the ParkWhiz app, he ran into a problem entering his vehicle information. So he did what any reasonable customer would do.
He contacted support.
Then he waited.
And waited.
Heart played the concert.
Spring passed.
Summer arrived.
Finally, on August 13, Andy received a response apologizing for the delay and asking whether he still needed assistance.
At that point, the parking problem had become less of a technical issue and more of an archaeological discovery.
One Star for the Passenger With the Scissors
From there we move naturally—as all good conversations do—from parking apps to Uber etiquette and a news story involving two friends, an Uber ride, beer and a pair of scissors.
According to the story Andy brings to the show, a Miami woman became angry after being told she couldn’t drink beer in the rideshare vehicle. During the argument, she allegedly pulled scissors from her bag and stabbed her friend.
Which raises several questions.
Most importantly:
Why did she have scissors?
And what kind of Uber rating does stabbing your fellow passenger earn?
Greg settles on one star.
Seems fair.
Things You Probably Shouldn’t Take Through Airport Security
Scissors inevitably lead to a discussion about airport security.
Greg once received the full TSA treatment because his tube of toothpaste was too large.
Andy did considerably better.
He accidentally arrived at airport security with a Swiss Army knife hidden in a side pocket of his backpack.
A Swiss Army knife he had actually purchased in Switzerland.
It did not make the flight.
This leads to a discussion of everything contained in a Swiss Army knife, including the tiny saw, tweezers and—among all those potentially useful survival tools—a toothpick.
Because apparently after surviving alone in the wilderness, personal dental hygiene remains important.
The Great VHS Movie Marathon
Eventually we arrive in Florida, where Andy recently visited his parents.
His father spent years recording hundreds of movies on VHS. More than a decade ago, his parents decided they were going to watch all of them.
Every single one.
As each movie is watched, the tape gets thrown away.
They are now down to the final handful.
The truly impressive part may not be that they have nearly completed the mission.
They still have a working VHS player.
That leads Andy and Greg into musicals, West Side Story, The Sound of Music and Greg discovering—apparently later in life than most people—that the Von Trapp family was real.
This revelation does not improve his opinion of The Sound of Music.
And Then Mom Took Control of the Diet Coke
A visit with Andy’s parents in Florida also means food.
Breakfast.
Lunch.
Dinner.
And very little time between them.
One afternoon the family heads to a tiki hut for lunch, where what should have been a simple meal gradually unravels.
Andy’s mother gets a lemonade she doesn’t like.
Then another lemonade she doesn’t like.
Someone gets the wrong fries.
The restaurant responds by apparently bringing enough replacement fries to feed most of Florida.
Then the waiter innocently brings Andy’s father another Diet Coke.
Andy’s mother looks at it.
“What’s that?”
The waiter explains that it’s a Diet Coke.
Her response:
“He doesn’t need that.”
Dad wisely says nothing.
Sometimes surviving a long marriage isn’t about communication.
Sometimes it’s knowing exactly when communication should stop.
Listen to Season 4, Episode 94
So this week we’ve got mysterious cucumbers, a five-month customer-service response, scissors in an Uber, TSA toothpaste enforcement, a confiscated Swiss Army knife, RadioShack nostalgia, VHS tapes, musicals, Florida family meals and one Diet Coke that never stood a chance.
In other words, another completely ordinary episode of Welcome to the Suburbs with Andy and Greg.
You can listen to our podcast on our website:
thesuburbspodcast.com
Listen on Apple Podcasts:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/season-4-episode-94-scissors-in-an-uber-cucumber/id1669816704?i=1000785532725
Listen on Spotify:
https://open.spotify.com/show/2ucb4V4CE5mn3zv4FsdRfx?si=827e477edd65499e
